Push Me And I'll Push You Back
Have you ever noticed that bullies never really go away past, say, secondary school? They're just able to hide it better because there's no teachers monitoring the yards or lockers to push people into. But they're still out there. They just exist in other places, like on the roads, and in little unassuming cubicles. I'm going to tell you about two bullies in the past few weeks that I have noticed.
The first one was a driver who erratically sped ahead of a whole line of tight, slow-moving traffic. Then he thought he could just force himself back into the lane. His problem was, he thought he could do this to me. For better or worse, I don't react kindly to bullies and I'm stubborn enough to win at the chicken game. He did try hard to force me to let him in, but I tried harder to keep him out. With a squeal of tires, he sped ahead and actually made it before the lane turned off. The thing is, it wouldn't have altered my world to let the idiotic, dangerous driver in so that no one got hurt. But I was trying to make a point. The point is that, yes, we would all like to be travelling faster, but there are many of us who are in this lane and we'll all eventually get where we need to go. If you don't have the patience to sit and wait your turn like everyone else, then you have bigger issues than just being a bully on the road.
The second one is a bully that has upset many people over the years where I work. He tried out his bully routine on me a few years ago when I first started in his section. It was so easy for me to stand up to him that I was shocked when a co-worker recently came to me to say that the new guy is having a really hard time with him and has gotten her involved. Now she was stressed and what should she do about it? I offered to just go to the guy's office and tell him to piss off but she didn't think that was a good idea. I just have no patience for bullies and I get all fired up over the rights of others being trampled upon.
I feel like one day this might get me into some serious trouble. For now it has served myself, and the people I've tried to help, well. My question is, how can we help bullies learn that they don't need to be a bully and still get what they want or need? I feel badly for them because I don't think anyone is born a bully; I think they're created.
The first one was a driver who erratically sped ahead of a whole line of tight, slow-moving traffic. Then he thought he could just force himself back into the lane. His problem was, he thought he could do this to me. For better or worse, I don't react kindly to bullies and I'm stubborn enough to win at the chicken game. He did try hard to force me to let him in, but I tried harder to keep him out. With a squeal of tires, he sped ahead and actually made it before the lane turned off. The thing is, it wouldn't have altered my world to let the idiotic, dangerous driver in so that no one got hurt. But I was trying to make a point. The point is that, yes, we would all like to be travelling faster, but there are many of us who are in this lane and we'll all eventually get where we need to go. If you don't have the patience to sit and wait your turn like everyone else, then you have bigger issues than just being a bully on the road.
The second one is a bully that has upset many people over the years where I work. He tried out his bully routine on me a few years ago when I first started in his section. It was so easy for me to stand up to him that I was shocked when a co-worker recently came to me to say that the new guy is having a really hard time with him and has gotten her involved. Now she was stressed and what should she do about it? I offered to just go to the guy's office and tell him to piss off but she didn't think that was a good idea. I just have no patience for bullies and I get all fired up over the rights of others being trampled upon.
I feel like one day this might get me into some serious trouble. For now it has served myself, and the people I've tried to help, well. My question is, how can we help bullies learn that they don't need to be a bully and still get what they want or need? I feel badly for them because I don't think anyone is born a bully; I think they're created.
posted by Melbine @ 11:57 AM
3 Comments:
At 6:11 AM,
Dread Pirate Jessica said…
Bullies are like naughty kids - looking for attention. My manager at the podunk school was a bully and backed down fast whenever harshly confronted, which the F-word and I tended to do, knowing we were leaving. And she liked us.
So there you are. It does bullies a favour to reject their nonsense.
At 10:20 AM,
Sugarplum said…
I agree with the both of you. I have also never allowed anyone to intimidate me since I have a strong conviction when it comes to right and wrong and the stubbornness to insist on being treated fairly.
I consider salespeople bullies when they call and don't take no for an answer. Same with Rogers and Bell - when we moved and changed to Bell, Rogers called me twice a day for a week trying to get me to switch back! Finally I said something nasty to them and they haven't called since. It amazes me that people think they can get what they want by being rude. I couldn't imagine it ever working. It really pissed me off to have to get nasty to stand up for myself. I think you should go over to that guy and tell him to stop being a jackass. Unly he's an authority figure. THen you'd have to do it in a more subtle way.
At 8:17 AM,
katrina said…
I'm going to be verbose here, sorry. It just struck a chord.
My own personal theory on bullies is to push back or to just ignore them... I'm far to stubborn to back down but it's just not worth my time to engage, so I tend to diffuse and walk away... in my last workplace, I worked with a lady who was a fierce bully. I went head to head with her on issues that I felt warranted the confrontation, but on the smaller stuff, I walked away - and told her that if she had issues she should deal with my manager as I was _his_ direct report, not _hers_. She may not have liked me (at all), but she did respect me, this I know.
Trying to explain this kind of strategy to the kids (at my school, and kids I knew in Canada) though, who are bullied, that's not so easy.
Funny you wrote about this at this time - today I had two different kids talking to me about their bullying problems (being bullied).
One of the kids is a prime target in that he's really really small for his age - seriously tiny. His strategy is avoidance, he just avoids situations where he may be bullied. This means that some lunchtimes (when bullying is of course most common), he's hanging out in the teachers room with me or with other teachers... I understand that and although it's not always convenient, he's always welcome.
Surprisingly, the other kid is an incredibly popular young guy, athletic, an excellent student, super nice, classroom president and very popular with the ladies. These factors seem to make him a prime target for bullying - kids that are tough and jealous I think.
Bullying seems to be more about either group-think or self-confidence issues - and until the self-confidence of the "leading" bully is fixed, the bullying behaviour will continue (most likely into adulthood).
I don't know how to fix this with the kids, I wish I did. But in both cases, I think standing up to the bullies wouldn't really help so much, it would probably just aggravate the situation. And as the kids are dealing with each other on a daily basis, aggravation is the last thing that's needed.
In my mind, it all comes down to the parents' responsibilities in raising their kids. If you instill a healthy sense of self and develop healthy sense of confidence in your child then they're better able to deal with bully situations, and are less likely to be bullies. Both of these kids seem to have both, and have developed coping mechanisms, but it still hurts.
So I guess this goes out to all those korean parents with kids at my middle school reading your blog -- stop defining your kids' accomplishments (and self-worth) by comparison to other kids - while it's the easiest thing to do (ie. good job, you're at the top of your class - or bad job, there were other soccer players who were better) be a bit more creative. If kids are taught to value themselves through comparisons, they'll always bully, so they'll win by comparison or humiliate the opposition. And once they learn that they can get people to roll over by bullying them, they'll keep bullying - again, the easiest way, not the most creative way - to get things done.
Thanks for letting me vent. It's apples and oranges, but...
disclaimer 1 - I have no children
disclaimer 2 - I was not really ever bullied as a child, I would have none of that kind of bulls**t from a young age, and being from a small town, that kind of stuck.
disclaimer 3 - I _absolutely_ failed kid number 2 today, I had no idea what to say or do to make him feel better or help him resolve his problem. And I feel horribly about it. Any suggestions are really welcome. I'm out of my depth, in part because of disclaimer 2.
Post a Comment
<< Home